


Hiding Under Water

by MegaFrost4



Series: A Tragic Beauty [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anorexic Castiel (Supernatural), Anxiety Attacks, Bulimia, Dean Winchester is Protective of Castiel, Depression, Domestic Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Human Castiel (Supernatural), Hurt Castiel (Supernatural), M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Discovery, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sleep Deprivation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-12 18:20:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 22
Words: 18,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28889739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MegaFrost4/pseuds/MegaFrost4
Summary: A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.Part 3 of A Tragic BeautyHeaven don't want meHeaven don't fool meAnd no one will understandAnd it's all right
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: A Tragic Beauty [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/420283
Comments: 12
Kudos: 13





	1. Chapter 1

Cas eventually passed out from exhaustion. Dean had tried to get him to fall asleep in his arms, promising he would not leave him, promising he would chase the nightmares away, just as he had always done for him in the past. But Cas was afraid. Every time he closed his eyes, the burning would come back tenfold, the voices in his head were louder, and the heartache of such loss was too much to bear asleep.

Dean took this time to try to grab some food, knowing they were both hungry. Cas had not eaten since, well, since the last time he humored Dean by "tasting the molecules"...

Munching on a protein bar, Dean watched Cas' chest slowly rise and fall, not used to seeing that. He found it odd watching the former angel now sleep under covers, wrapping them around himself so tight as if for protection. His poor back will pay for it later, but it was Cas' first sleep, and well, this was just one of many things he would just have to learn on his own. 

Dean had no idea where to begin. _Food. Sleep. Bathing. What else?_ Seemed like enough for now...

Gabriel's words haunted him, though, as they implied something was wrong with Cas.

_"But he's going to be ok?"_

_"That's up to him..."_

Of course Cas would be ok. He was the toughest, angel, Dean knew. But he was not an angel anymore. Dean looked at the sleeping form again. This was still Cas...and Dean still loved him, human or not.

_"I don't care that you're an angel. You could be, a, a dog, and I would still love you."_

Cas' body stiffened, waking up without warning. His breathing was shallow and rapid, and his heart, why was his heart trying to escape? It was supposed to stay there, right? Wide, terrified eyes hit every inch around his peripheral, looking for the threat out in the open.

"Cas? Cas, easy..." Dean slowly revealed himself in his line of sight, a smile breaking out on his face. "Morning, sleepy..."

"Dean?" Cas' eyes watered, begging for answers. _Why do I feel this way??? It's all so confusing...but this is what I wanted, right?_

"Hey, baby..." Dean wanted to touch him, but did not want to overwhelm him. He sat back cross-legged. "How are you feeling?"

_Feeling..._

Cas thought about it, and there was so much to say. "I..." Tears hit his cheeks, and it hurt because his eyes were stinging. They did not do that before. "I...I don't know..." His voice broke. "I'm sorry I don't know..."

"No, no, baby...no..." Dean reached up anyway, Cas jerking slightly away from the touch of Dean's hand on his head, but found out how good that soft massage felt on his tired brain. "This, this is a lot to take in...I have no idea what to tell you."

"Gabriel said this would happen...struggling with emotions..." Cas cried harder. "This is what I wanted...I wanted to feel, but, I had no idea..."

"I know, baby..." Dean calmly cried with him, but he had a hopeful smile on his face. "It's going to be ok. We're going to work this out. And for starters..." As if on cue, Cas stomach growled. "Breakfast...or, well, lunch...no, brunch, we're going to have brunch..."

" _Dean_..." Cas squinted his eyes in pain. "Is it supposed to hurt this much?"

"When you're really hungry, yes, sucks, doesn't it? But it's an easy fix. We just gotta put fuel in the tank. What would you like to try first? We can do eggs, pancakes...yeah, might be too much...why don't we just try cereal? I don't know what kind of foods you would like, I hope you're not picky..."

As Dean rambled on about brunch, Cas tried to listen and ignore the pain in his stomach. He felt a burning boil up from his stomach to his throat. It tasted horrible. Is this what hunger was when it was, bad?

"Dean, I don't feel good..." Cas found himself admitting. _Why am I so weak?_

"You've been human for almost a full day and haven't eaten...your stomach is completely empty." Dean tried to explain. 

"It's burning..."

"That's acid...here, try some of these while I whip something up." Dean handed him his bag of chips. Cas timidly reached in and picked up one. He sniffed it, feeling the salt particles latch onto his fingers. 

"It's..." Cas tried to figure it out. He tasted the salt more than anything, felt the particles of food on his tongue go down his throat and hit his stomach like an empty barrel. He took another and another, soon the half of a bag was empty.

"Tasty, huh? I got better stuff for ya..." Dean winked. "Up and at 'em..." He offered his hand, which Cas took, and he slowly pulled Cas up.

His wobbly legs, his _useless_ legs, gave out from underneath him.

"I'm sorry..." He blushed, nose to nose with Dean. "I, can't really feel my legs."

"Yeah, they're a bit like jello..."

"But why?"

"Well, you haven't eaten, so you have no energy, and...you were literally sleeping in the fetal position, all balled up, and that is not fun to stretch out." Dean played it off jokingly, trying to lighten the mood, because Cas' hurt puppy look was breaking his heart. 

"So, food is important...sleep is inevitable..." Cas was making a mental note, Dean humming encouraging confirmations.

"And, no offense, so is _bathing..._ but you'll love that one!" Dean had his arm around Cas' waste as they slowly made it to the kitchen. "Now, take a seat, and I'll get the food ready."

Cas sat on the hard stool, feeling his tailbone ache at the rather uncomfortable surface. He groaned.

"Why does everything _hurt?_ " He dragged out that last word, frustrated and angry.

Dean left the fridge open to come to his aid. "Yeah, these aren't comfy. I'll be right back..." He ran to the lounge area, grabbed a pillow, and came back. "Let's try this..." He presses it into the bar stool to keep it from moving, and motions for Cas to try again.

"That...is better...thank-you..." Cas starts crying. "I'm sorry..."

"It's no big deal, don't cry, I don't mind..."

"I just, I've only been human for, what, a day, and I'm such a mess..." Cas covers his face with his hands, trying to hide the embarrassment. 

"Hey, look at me, Cas...it's your first day, I know this has to be a bit overwhelming for you, but you'll get the hang of it, yeah?" Dean kissed Cas' forehead. Cas sucked in a breath. Dean laughed softly. "See? That felt good, didn't it?" He kissed him again.

"Dean..." Cas closed his eyes, he could not describe how he felt when Dean's lips touched his skin. How he had tried to imagine what it could be, but reality was so much better!

"If you think _that's_ good, wait till you take a shower..." Dean winked. "Now, brunch."

Cas whined in the back of his throat when Dean turned away. He was wanting, no, _craving_ more of whatever that amazing feeling was. But then, Dean sat a glass in front of him, and Cas' nose got curious.

"That smells good..."

"I know," Dean smiled. "Because it's chocolate milk! The greatest thing ever, besides beer...try it. I think you'll love it."

Cas sniffed the glass that was now held right under his nose, and took a little sip. It was thick, sweet, and ice cold. "Wow..." That was all his brain could muster. He took another sip.

"Right?" Dean nodded his head, pouring himself a glass. "Cheers!" They clinked glasses and took another drink together this time. The toaster dinged as two golden brown pieces of bread poked out. "Here we go!" Dean put them on a plate and grabbed the butter from the open fridge and sat the plate between the two.

"That smells good..." Cas observed.

"Tastes good, too. I figured we'd start with something bland and easy for your stomach. As much as I would love for you to try bacon, it's too greasy for you right now, because well, you haven't eaten."

"Grease is bad?"

_Man, I wish Sam was here, the health nut could explain this better than me..._

"Grease makes things taste _good_ , but alone, like orange juice, upsets your stomach..."

"Kinda like earlier?"

"Kinda...I don't know, I'm no genius..." Dean shook his head.

"You're very smart, Dean." Cas commented. "Don't sell yourself short. Before today, I learned so much from you already. Now, it's just..."

"Sensory overload?" Cas nodded. "Yeah, it's a lot to take in, but you're doing great."

"I'm just complaining..." He hung his head. "You're just trying to help me, and I'm just making it worse."

"Cas, stop..." Dean tilted Cas' chin up. "You are doing amazing. So far, you have gotten out of bed, walked all the way over here with gimpy legs, drank half a glass of chocolate milk, and now, you're going to eat toast!" He lathered butter onto Cas' piece of bread and handed it to him.

Cas sniffed the melting butter on the partially burnt bread before crunching in. Dean thought it was cute that Cas sniffed his food before he tried it. But, he was getting acclimated to his senses, everything was probably extreme for him, like Daredevil. 

"I like this..." Cas looked at his marks he left on the toast.

"I'm glad, Cas." Dean took a bite of his as well.

When they finished eating, Dean took him to the bathroom. "How's your stomach feeling?" He said after Cas relieved himself.

"It doesn't hurt anymore, and I can feel everything there..." He rubbed his stomach, lifting his shirt slightly.

Dean fought the urge, looking away for a second to search for towels.

"Yep, that's why we gotta eat! It makes you feel better. Now... _shower_..." Dean went to turn the water on. He made sure it would not get too hot, although he loved a boiling shower. Cas might be too sensitive for that.

"Are you ready?" Dean was not, especially when Cas reached for his shirt to come off.


	2. Chapter 2

Cas took his shirt off up and over his head, and he felt cold. He slid his pants and boxers down next, and he felt so vulnerable. He wrapped his arms around his chest and winced when his fingers grazed his back.

"Dean?"

"Yeah, Cas?" Dean turned around, too late to hide the blush and closed the shower curtain to see what the problem was. "You ok?"

Cas nodded, but twisted his back a little to see the burns. 

"Ok, we just won't stand under the water today..." Dean rubbed his shoulder, then undressed quickly and unceremoniously because he was terrified right now. _I'm just taking a shower with Cas, no big deal...right?_

Cas' eyes scanned every inch of Dean's muscled chest and arms. He was blushing, and looked away. "I'm sorry..."

"Cas, you need to stop apologizing..." Dean cut his eyes, not being able to help himself. "Now, come on..." He lead Cas into the shower, and the steam felt good to his cold skin, especially his feet. Dean backed into the line of fire with the water, which was a little warmer than lukewarm. He shook his head, his hair sticking in weird places. He laughed. "Feels good...watch your back."

Cas stepped forward, his arms the first thing touching the beating downpour. When his chest hit, his head fell back.

"Oh, ok...now I know why you all love your showers..." He smiled, for the first time genuinely since _before_.

"Haha, yeah...and when your back heals, you can relieve all of that pressure in those shoulders."

"I can't wait..." Cas was blushing. "Ow!" He jumped back, almost slipping, but Dean caught him.

"Hey, I got you...was it your back?" Cas nodded. "I'm so sorry, I know that had to have hurt..."

"I thought we weren't apologizing?" Cas smirked at him. He did not know what was coming over him, especially when he leaned his head into Dean's and kissed him, pushing his face under the water.

Dean moaned, and laughed, all the while keeping their lips sealed. "Uh...uh huh..." Dean bit his lip.

Cas eyed those thick lips eagerly. That kiss felt so _good_. And he wanted more. Cas went in again and again. Dean lost his train of thought and rubbed Cas' head while they kissed because he knew Cas liked that, but Cas whimpered pitifully.

"Baby? Oh...oh no...dammit, I'm so sorry, come on, let's get out of here, ok?" Dean reached behind him to turn the water off, mentally kicking himself for not paying enough attention to stay clear of Cas' hurting back.

"I'm ok, Dean..." Cas grimaced. "It's not hurting as bad as it just did anymore...maybe it's getting better again..." He figured.

Dean did not want to tell him that the only reason it was not feeling as bad is because nothing was touching it. He handed Cas a towel and they both dried off, Cas more slowly and methodically, watching and mimicking Dean's movements as best he can. Dean was not as nervous anymore, since, well, that was a _hot_ moment they had, he became more focused on teaching and taking care of Cas. This was going to be harder than he thought. 

After they got dressed in fresh clothes, Dean went and found the burn cream. He sat them both on the couch and showed Cas what it was.

"Ok, this is going to help. We've given it plenty of time to air out, and water has rinsed it off..."

"That was not pleasant..." Cas commented.

"Yeah, but this will heal it. It's not like your angel mojo when- _shit_!" _Way to go, asshole._

Cas' eyes welled up, and a tear fell. "You didn't mean it, Dean. It's ok. I...I don't like talking about it because I miss it, but...this is my life now...being here with you...I don't think there will ever be a moment I'll regret it..."

_How can you be so sweet and optimistic when your own family did this to you?_

Dean would be mortified if Sammy and Bobby literally maimed him and left him for dead on the side of the road, taking Baby in the process. He would never recover.

And yet, here was Cas, with almost a full morning under his belt, and he was smiling again.

_I never wanna see that smile leave that beautiful face..._

"Ok, good..." Dean stuck his finger into the cream. "This will hurt, but I'm going to be gentle...do you trust me?"

"Of course, Dean." Cas turned around so Dean could reach. He winced, grunted, held his breath...there were tears on both men when it was all said and done.

"You did so good, baby..." Dean kissed his forehead and leaned them both back on the end of the couch.

"Thank-you, Dean..." Cas whispered.

"You're welcome, Cas." He looked down, and Cas had fallen asleep. Showers were amazing for relaxing and setting the mood right for a late morning nap.

It was not an hour later, Cas was wide awake, grabbing onto Dean a little tighter.

"Dean?"

"I'm here, Cas." Dean took his hand and gently squeezed. Cas squeezed back. "You're still here..."

"Yes...it was another nightmare...my heart is trying to escape again..." Cas looked down at this chest. "My back feels sticky, too."

"Yeah, it's weird, but just let the cream do its thing. Hey." Dean took advantage of Cas awake to shift as he stretched to the side table and got the remote, turning on the TV. "Do you wanna watch a movie?"

"Can it be another Batman? I know that's your favorite, but, I like it too, for several reasons..."

"Yeah, cause he's a badass?" Dean laughed. 

"Well, yeah, I guess that too, but...it was our first movie together..." Cas blushed.

Dean's heart was about to explode. _He remembered?_ "Batman, it is..." He flipped it on, and they laughed, oohed and awed, Dean explaining every one of Cas' questions with full detail and attention.

And that was their entire day and night, both of them passing out on the couch around 2 a.m.


	3. Chapter 3

Cas woke up to the sound of music playing in the background. He was stretched out alone on the couch covered in a very soft blanket and a fluffy pillow under his head. Twisting to see where it was coming from, a whimper escaped him and he returned to his former position.

_This back is going to have to heal up now._

Slowly sitting up, Cas slung his legs to the floor, his hands on either side of himself, steadying. His vision was weird, and there was a ringing in his ears. Standing up, his stupid legs failed to comply and he collapsed to the ground, his knee taking the majority of the pressure. Something loud came from the kitchen and the music cut.

" _Cas?_ " Dean was holding Cas upright, trying to get him to focus. "Are you ok?"

"No...my...well, it's better now, but, I couldn't see for a second, it was like a vision or something, then my legs were useless again, and-"

"They're not useless...you're just hungry. Your blood sugar is probably at zero still. All you had yesterday was toast. That was my fault, but I didn't wanna push it." Dean stood up and leaned over. "Let's try to stand _slowly_ , ok?"

"You humans have a lot of things to worry about. Your bodies are constantly attacking you if you don't do what it wants..."

"Yeah, it's a living nightmare..." Dean chuckled, leading him to the kitchen, the pillow from last time still securely in place. "Let's try eggs this morning with the toast. Good protein, will help your muscles."

"So I don't fall every time I stand?" Cas sarcastically replied. He rubbed his knee, but his knee screamed at him to stop touching it. "Dean? I hate to ask..."

"No, what is it?" Dean looked to where Cas' hand was. "Can I look?" Cas nodded and he pulled his sweat pants leg up, and saw a little bruise. "Does it hurt here?"

"No..."

"Or when I do this?" Dean lifted Cas' ankle, straightening his knee.

"No..."

"Well, it's just a bruise, not broken. I get these every other day bumping into things, no big deal. They'll disappear within a day or two."

"Good to hear...can we eat now?"

"Yes, I've got the eggs here, I scrambled them cause it's just easier and they taste better, and well, I'm hungry too, so we got a whole dozen to kill. Eat as much as you want, ok? Don't overdue it, but if you're still empty, keep at it. You've seen how much I can eat." Dean eyed the plate of eggs sitting next to the dirty skillet.

"You do eat efficiently." Cas agreed. "I just don't know, it's so hard to keep up with everything."

"That's why I'm here." Dean said as he served up a portion of eggs on Cas' plate then his. He sprinkled salt and pepper and grabbed ketchup from the fridge.

"I thought those were just for fries?"

"Ketchup goes with almost anything, it's amazing."

Cas tried the eggs, and loved them so much, he swore he could never taste anything better. Dean begged to differ.

"Remember Flour and Water? The Italian place in San Fran? Wait till you get to taste that wine with the bread _oh_! I mean, we can just order Olive Garden, that's about as good as it gets around here, though it will take a while for the food to get here, it's worth it!" Dean found himself craving Italian all of a sudden. "Then, there's spicy Mexican food, sushi, classic cold sandwiches, pizza, all sorts of amazing things!"

"Gabriel did leave us quite a bit of food, right?" Cas asked, but suddenly felt down.

"Cas, you ok?"

"I, I miss him..." Cas was unable to call for him, since he was human now. It felt lonely. "I wish he was here to try the eggs with us..."

"Well, we can ring his ass up any time and get him to come over whenever you want."

"He's a lot more cultured than me, so he probably wouldn't even want eggs, but..."

"He's your brother..." Dean knew.

"Is he?" Cas' eyes teared up. "Cause I'm not..."

"He _is_...I promise if he ever loved you, nothing would change that, Cas..." Dean placed his hand over Cas'.

Sparks flew and Cas' stomach did a weird dance. He shyly smiled, loving that feeling.

"I love you, Dean..." Cas said, but his smile dropped, and his cheeks turned hot, regretting the sudden declaration.

"I love you, too, Cas." Dean laughed. "Don't be shy. You can say whatever you want, whenever you want. It makes us feel good, right?"

Cas nodded, staring at his eggs, still embarrassed. _This must be why dating is so hard. Talking is terrifying!_

"My back does feel a little better today." Cas changed the subject. "Doesn't burn as intensely."

"That's great, Baby...after we eat, can I put some more medicine on?" Dean rubbed his hand through Cas' hair, him humming in approval. "I want you to feel good, I want you to be happy..."

"I am happy..." Cas said. "My body may not feel good right now with all of these problems, but...it's hard to explain, but I'm good too?"

"I know exactly what you mean." Dean leaned in for a kiss on the cheek, making the rosy cheeks redder.


	4. Chapter 4

Cas went through the next few days, still feeling like it was too much to process, and every little thing upset him. He was an angel of the Lord, a soldier in Heaven's army, and now? Now, he was still falling and was always tired. Dean assured him it would get better, that he already was getting better, and Cas had no choice to agree, because Dean made it look so easy. Walking, breathing, eating, sleeping, bathing, cleaning...Cas liked the cleaning. He found it therapeutic, making things look nice. One day, Dean opened his closet to find his plaids organized in a spectrum.

Cas also found reading and watching movies and tv shows enjoyable. Mostly, because he could spend real quality time with Dean. But also, it let out his emotions in a very different way. He knew it was fiction, it was just pretend, or the stories, well, they were just stories that had already happened or were made up to entertain. Laughing and crying and jumping from fear was just something he did. Dean was always there to catch him and assure him that it was ok.

Dean learned his lesson though with watching complex, thought-provoking movies that led to more questions than answers. That was why he decided to not even introduce Doctor Who until Cas was completely over the newest version of Planet of the Apes.

"But Dean...why did Caesar not just tell them that he was wounded? They traveled a long time, and could have treated him."

Dean sighed. "Just...Cas, just let the beautiful moment happen..."

"They are clearly more advanced than humans at this point..." Cas would keep going, coming up with a million different ways to keep Caesar alive.

"I have created a monster..." Dean mumbled. He looked down to the table in front of him, amongst the snacks, to see all of Cas' books and journals he had made or acquired. 

Not only was Cas a neat-freak, but he was also turning into a huge geek, which made Dean proud. Rather than just living in the moment and casually speculating on what could possibly happen next in the sequel, Cas would research in the library and on the computer [that took about a week to master], watching theories from many YouTubers on how Batman made it halfway around the world so quickly, or how he healed so quickly, or how he survived the explosion meant for Gotham in the middle of the ocean. Dean joked about it having something to do with shark repellant, and a day later, Cas got the reference after doing some more digging into Batman lore.

"Hello, boys!" Gabriel hollered, scaring the daylights out of the two men. "Can you lemme in? I brought TEQUILA! ...and tacos..."

"Oh, hell yeah! Cas, you're gonna love this." Dean ran off to let him in, leaving Cas on the couch, who was leaning over and organizing his books and their snacks, gathering up the trash to throw away.

"Hey, little bro! How are things?" Gabriel gave Cas the biggest hug.

"It's a lot to take in..." Cas was brutally honest. "But it's fun, too."

"Yeah, it's like one wild party!" Gabriel laughed. "Now, do I need to kick Dean's ass before or after shots?"

"N-neither...Dean's helped me so much. I found out I am what's called a 'neat freak' and a 'geek'." Cas used air quotes to emphasize his points.

"Weird combo, but that's great! You're living the dream. It's like one big man cave, huh?" Gabriel looked at the TV, seeing the history of what all they had watched so far. "I will say, Dean's got some good taste."

" _Of course, I do!_ " Dean hollered from the kitchen. " _Are you two eating or what, cause I'm halfway through the guac!_ "

The brothers went to the kitchen, Cas giving himself a mental cheer that he was walking much more confidently now, feeling better every day.

To Dean and Gabriel's delight, Cas loved everything he tried, even the tequila.

"Now, Cas, I don't wanna make you drunk on your first day, so one shot is all you're getting..."

"Ha!" Gabriel downed another shot to tease him.

Cas did not mind. "Oh, no, I don't ever wanna do that...just seems pointless. I've read up on hangovers, and honestly, it's just not worth it..."

Gabriel looked at Dean, and they laughed.

"Whatever you say, baby..."

* * *

As Cas finished up cleaning the kitchen, Gabriel pulled Dean aside.

"So, how's he been? Seems ok, adjusting well?" The archangel quizzed Dean.

"He's really doing amazing..." Dean said honestly. "It's been rough, especially with his back and the fact he's so weak. He takes a lot of naps, but when he's awake, he's always learning and doing things. He's like my little shadow, it's adorable."

"I'm glad he's got a good life here..." Gabriel looked towards the kitchen sadly. "He didn't deserve what happened to him, but...if he's going to be a human, well, I guess he's living the dream, isn't he?"

"Yeah..." Dean felt awkward, not wanting to be too excited to keep Cas all to himself, for him to be human, because that meant Gabriel would not get to see him all of the time. "Listen, like I said, you can come see him as much as you want..."

"Thanks, Dean." Gabriel shook his head. "It just, it's lonely out there, especially when you're trying not to get involved in the family feud that everyone is picking sides on. I hate it...I don't do drama, well, not _that_ kind of drama." He smirked, and Dean laughed.

" _Gabriel?_ " Cas was exiting the kitchen, turning the light off. "You can stay, if you want. We're just watching some movies, and you can pick..."

 _You are the sweetest thing, I swear I'll get diabetes just by looking at you for too_ long...Dean thought.

"Sure, why not? Now, am I supposed to traumatize you now, or are we going easy?" Gabriel went to pick up the remote and flip through the options.

"Let's not, ok? We haven't gotten above PG-13." Dean explained. "And nothing sad, either. I'm not ready for that with him..."

Gabriel gave a wicked grin, and Dean face-palmed. "Hey, Cas, guess what we're watching today?"

Cas sat down on the couch in between Dean and Gabriel. "What is it?"

"It's a family movie, it's sweet, and it's educational, you'll love it!" Gabriel searched up _Pixar_ , and Dean reached across Cas for the remote.

" _Don't you dare...we're not ready for Pixar, man..._ "

"Dean...you can't always protect him..."

"Protect me from what? It says in the description it's made for the whole family, even children. It can't be that bad."

"Cas, you cried throughout The Little Mermaid..."

"It's eerily similar to me wanting to be with you, Dean..." Cas whispered, feeling sad again. "I was just happy she got to live her dream too."

_Oh, we're definitely putting off Tangled for the inevitable future._

"Fine. Gabriel, you're taking this one..."

"Why, cause you'll cry too?" Gabriel laughed, pressing play.

* * *

An hour and a half later, they were all an emotional wreck: Gabriel able to hide it the best, Dean running off for a beer so no one could see him cry, and Cas, well, Cas had his head in Gabriel's lap going on about feelings and how hard it was.

"It's not fair..." Cas kept saying.

"I know, little bro...I know..."


	5. Chapter 5

"You know, Cas? Why don't we call it a night, go to sleep in a bed? It would be much more comfortable for your back." As much as Dean assumed they all had fun over the weekend with Gabriel sleeping over in the living room, Cas was in a lot more pain than usual.

"Ok, Dean, that sounds nice." Cas stomach flipped, realizing what this could mean. "Um...so, how does this work?"

Dean's brain short-circuited, but he bounced back. "You stay on your side and don't hog all the blankets." Dean laughed, unable to hide his blush.

"I would never wanna take anything from you, Dean..." Cas said sincerely.

"I know you get cold easy, and since summer will be over soon...we humans do weird things in our sleep without knowing it half the time."

"Like the dreams I can never remember as soon as I wake up?"

"Especially those..."

"It really bothers me I can't remember them. Like, I can remember how it made me feel, but there's no recollection whatsoever, but I do know they make no sense on paper..." Cas frowned, still bothered by the one from yesterday. He could have sworn it had something to do with a honeybee.

"Now that that's settled..." Dean and Cas went to Dean's bedroom, since his room had the queen-sized bed [and it was the most comfortable]. He unmade it, fluffed the pillows and stepped back to look at Cas. "If you're not comfortable with this-"

"No, Dean, I...I want this..." Cas put his blanket he liked to have wrapped around him at all times on the desk and carefully sat down on the bed. "If you want it..."

"Oh...yes, I...I'm sorry, I told you I'm bad at this sort of thing..." Dean plugged his phone in and got in on his side of the bed. "Do you want another pillow?"

"I think this is ok...I don't know, to be honest..." Cas thought two pillows was a bit much, but these certain ones sank with the weight of his head, and it was nice.

Dean folded his first pillow in half, squishing it with his arm underneath his head, and held the other one between them. "Here, this one is really flat, and I thought you could lay on it for extra support..."

"Thank-you, Dean..." Cas grunted a little as he sat up a bit for Dean to slide the pillow underneath.

"Is that comfy?" Dean checked.

"Yeah..." Cas sighed. He turned his head to the side, noticing how he was slightly higher than Dean. "Thank-you..."

"You're welcome, baby..." Dean kissed his lips, Cas humming in approval.

* * *

Cas woke up the next morning to an empty bed, and it made him sad. And his back hurt. They forgot about the medicine last night. But last night was kind of a big deal.

_Last night, I slept with Dean on purpose...in a bed...not by accident and out of pure exhaustion on a couch._

"Shit..." Cas got up hurting, and grabbed his blanket, limping into the living room to find Dean, but Dean was not there. "Dean?"

No answer.

Cas got overwhelmed for a second, his heart beating, and his head spinning. He sat down in a chair and breathed for a second.

" _Cas?_ "

"Dean?" Cas called.

"Cas? You ok?" Dean came to him, hair still dripping wet, soaking his shirt he had thrown on. "I got scared for a second, you weren't in bed..."

"You weren't either..."

"I'm sorry, I was just in the shower...thought I'd sneak in and have breakfast ready by the time you woke up..." Dean noticed Cas shaking. "Are you ok?"

"I...I just got scared...you were gone, and I didn't know..." Cas' voice hitched a little, and a tear fell.

Dean cursed himself for being so stupid. "I'm so sorry, baby...it won't happen again..."


	6. Chapter 6

Cas insisted they go ahead and start the next season of Batman: The Animated Series, even though it was already dinner time.

"Ok, yeah, we can do that...but let's take a break and eat some real food. I think you've tried every bit of junk food Gabriel got us..." Dean looked at the sampling platters and bowls of mostly eaten snacks, and it made him feel a little woozy. 

"I'm not hungry, Dean...my stomach hurts because I ate too much..." Cas sunk deeper into the couch, trying to hide behind the blankets and pillows.

"We won't eat much...just some chicken and broccoli...it will make us feel better, I promise." Dean coaxed.

"I'm fine, Dean..." Cas said, a little irritated.

Dean felt hurt, but did not think much of it. He knew this was hard for Cas, and he tried to be patient and understanding. "Yeah, ok...how about this: we get out more. Remember like we used to do? We don't have to drive as much, I'm talking like going for a walk, getting some fresh air. I know we've been imprisoned here hiding from-uh...you know, it's-"

" _No, Dean!_ " Cas spat. "I want us to stay _here_ where it's safe, and we can easily fix our problems."

"Cas...baby, I'm sorry. I can assure you Gabriel is looking out for you. And you don't have to worry about me anymore..."

"What about Lucifer?" Cas looked at Dean with angry tears threatening to fall. "He's still after us..."

"And he hasn't tried to break in, has he?" Dean thought a second. "Has he?"

"No, not that I know of..." Cas shrugged.

Two episodes in, Cas started crying. "Stop!"

Dean paused the TV and asked what was wrong.

"Dean...I...I was being so rude and horrible just a minute ago to you. This isn't your fault...what is wrong with me?" Cas cried.

"Baby, no, no...come here, I know you didn't mean anything by it. How many times have I snapped at you before? That didn't push you away. And it won't work on me, either. Hormones, emotions, junk food, and fatigue...recipe for disaster..."

"But I like being here with you...everything you've taught me and shown me, I've found interesting and enjoyable in some way. I just...I don't know, I'm getting frustrated!"

"Which is why a little walk a day will do wonders. And besides, you're getting stronger every day you're eating and drinking milk. I'm going to pick us up some vitamins...I actually have a _list_ of things we could definitely use around here. And, like Sammy says, and don't you dare tell him I said this, but exercise is good for you, even mentally. Getting that blood pumping just makes you feel awesome. Who knows, you might have a talent for sports and we could play some ball." Dean grinned.

"Some ball? Which one?"

"Any...basketball, football, you name it, we'll try it..."

"...golf?"

_Why on Earth would golf be the first one to pop in your head?_

"Uh...I can't really afford that one, but mini golf is fun! You'll love it!"

"So, we can play it here, like on the map table..." At Dean's look, Cas tried to explain. "Since it's miniature in size?"

"No...no..." Dean held his laughter in. "Here..." He showed Cas a video on his phone.

"I see..." Cas sighed. "There is so much to learn!"

"And you're doing great! I'm a bad teacher, I can't keep up with everything you're supposed to know! I was just trying to get the basics down first, like eating and sleeping, which, you got sleeping down." _And you don't have many nightmares as I do, I'm so thankful for that._

"Because I'm exhausted all the time, and my batteries 'need recharging'..." Cas used his air quotes again, and again, Dean was so proud, but found it hilariously adorable just the same.

"Yeah, but seriously, let's try to eat just a little bit of chicken, and we can eat it right here. I'll take some of this..." Dean started to clean up, throwing wrappers in boxes where he could dump out the individually-wrapped snacks as a makeshift trash bag. "Be back in a sec!" He went and heated up grilled chicken tenders from a frozen, microwavable safe bag, thinking about Cas' little explosion.

_He's fine. He's doing amazing. Just have to be patient. Things like this are going to happen. Hell, you're a bigger drama queen than anyone, you should know!_

Dean was proud of Cas for eating a couple pieces of chicken, and the complaints about his stomach were gone. As they continued to watch their show, he could barely pay attention because Cas had found his way on his side of the couch again snuggling up under his arm. 

_We'll get there. This is our new normal. And it can only get better._


	7. Chapter 7

Cas woke up sweating…another nightmare. He was thankful Dean was unaware of them most of the time [a few times he woke up screaming for Dean]. Slipping out of bed, silent as a mouse, he tip-toed over to the bathroom. Running some cold water, he splashed his face, chills running all over him for now a different reason. His eyes gazed ahead into his reflection.

_Pitiful. You are so weak. You need to man up! Where do you think that phrase came from? Dean is tired [literally and all else] of your shit, so you need to get it together._

Cas rubbed his tears away, able to find them amongst the water droplets.

A knock alerted him.

“ _Cas? Baby, are you ok?_ ”

“I’m fine, Dean…” Cas opened the door, seeing Dean’s sleepy eyes wrinkled with worry. “I just got really hot all of a sudden.”

Dean pressed the back of his hand to Cas’ head. “Good thing it’s not a fever. I’ll get us a fan when we go out. When you’re cooler at night, you sleep better.” Cas nodded and turned the bathroom light off. “You sure you’re ok?”

“Dean, you don’t have to ask that every five minutes…” Cas was not a good actor, apparently that was the only trait he kept from when he was an angel. “I’m not ok…but I will be…” _Yeah, right._

Dean tilted his head, his right corner of his lip quirking up and hugged Cas tightly. “I’m so proud of you. I know I keep repeating myself, but I just want to know what’s going on in that little head of yours so I can help…because I want to…” Dean could tell Cas was just like him, bottling things up to not be such a burden to others.

_It just makes everything easier that way._

“Let’s get back to bed, ok? Big day tomorrow. We’re going to the grocery store! I hope it doesn’t rain tomorrow.”

* * *

It rained. Stormed, more accurately.

Cas was still willing to go, and Dean was happy for that. Of course, they did not have an umbrella, so Dean added that to the list.

“So, Cas…look over this list for me, and see if there’s anything else you want to try. Anything at all. I will say yes to everything but _vegan crap_.” Dean shuddered.

Cas shivered. The rain felt amazing falling down everywhere on him, but sitting inside the car waiting for the heat, he was now wet and cold. He eyed the list thoughtfully, recognizing these items as things he had mentioned curiosity to Dean over or seen on TV [Broccoli, from Inside Out, looked amazing to him. He could not understand that ongoing jab at the green vegetable.]

“Ok…fair warning. Today is a Friday, and it’s raining, so there are lots of people here, desperate to get in and out of this nasty weather and onto their weekend plans of bingeing on the couch watching the latest obsession Netflix crapped out.” Dean shook his head. “Don’t get me wrong, there’s some pretty awesome stuff on there, but…just stay close, keep your head down, and don’t wander off.”

Cas was nervous. He did not think he took a breath throughout the store, shaking or nodding his head when Dean would find something interesting to add to the cart. A woman eyed them, and Cas wondered if she was a witch putting a curse on them for grabbing the last apple pie, but Dean assured him she was just a bitch.

Cas, amazed at the amount that they managed to stuff into their cart, stacking above the top of it, helped guide Dean to the Impala to unload.

“We made great timing…” Dean started to throw everything in.

“It’s been an hour, Dean…I never realized grocery shopping could be so strenuous.”

“Yeah, but you don’t wanna go when no one is here, because that’s when the weirdos come after you, and that includes the employees.”

“The gentleman checking us out was nice.”

Dean gave Cas a look, clearly jealous, because he could have sworn that guy gave Cas a wink, but instead [according to Cas], it was “just the discount on the rotisserie chicken”…

“Dean?” Dean came back to the present, seeing Cas hold a tub of Edy’s. “The ice cream…it’s going to melt.”

“As miserable as it is out here in the rain, not a chance. At least it’s not like a hurricane when we left the Bunker earlier.”

“Well, I could use a hot shower when this is all said and done.” Cas said as they got into the car.

“I know you’re tired, and I’m proud of you. You survived your first weekened grocery run.” Dean rubbed Cas’ shoulder.

Cas blushed. Almost every time Dean said he was proud of him, Cas felt like his heart would burst with happiness.

“I’m just glad you were here with me…”

* * *

Dean was thrilled Cas loved ice cream. It was vanilla, thinking they could just start out simple, but he did squirt some whipped cream for good measure.

“Well, I guess we’re in for the day, my phone says a storm is still likely to come, so our afternoon stroll will just have to wait.” Dean checked his phone again.

“Ok, Dean, I understand. We can’t control the weather.”

“I can’t really control anything, especially my appetite.” Dean patted his stomach. “Say, what do you want to try for dinner tonight?”

Cas remembered seeing the expiration date on the chicken, and how amazing it smelled, so he opted for that. Dean agreed. He heated up some cans of green beans and boxed mashed potatoes to complete the meal.

After their early dinner, they jumped back into their Batman marathon. Dean found himself already used to this domestic life, going grocery shopping, keeping up with their house [bunker], spending all of his quality time with Cas…

Life was finally good.


	8. Chapter 8

Cas woke up again before Dean the next morning, moving to the kitchen sink this time to not alarm Dean. He felt nauseous, and he decided food was not a good option today. So, coffee was going to be the solution, because it was liquid, and caffeine would give him energy, and it was more natural than other ways of getting hyped up...right?

"Good morning...mmm...coffee...thanks, baby." Dean kissed Cas on the back of the head and poured himself a glass.

"Morning..." Cas mumbled, his voice muffled by the mug warming his hands, and the liquid soothing his throat.

Dean raised his eyebrows. "What's wrong, Cas?"

"N-nothing..." Cas closed his eyes, mentally scolding himself for sounding so suspicious. "I...remember those nightmares you had? And, how sometimes, they got really bad?"

"Cas..." Dean set his mug down and gripped both of Cas' arms. "Is Lucifer bothering you?"

Cas' eyes became frightened. "Dean...he...no, he just, talks to me sometimes..."

"What does he say?" Dean frowned.

Cas shook his head. "I don't wanna upset you..."

"I'm already upset if somehow Lucifer has gotten into your head! How can he, when Gabriel can't even get in?"

Cas watched him nervously pace, his stomach in knots. He started shaking uncontrollably, the coffee sloshing out a little onto his hand, and it was _hot_ , and Cas exclaimed in pain, watching the cup shatter all over the floor. That got Dean out of his fit, and he held his hand out.

"Are you ok? It didn't cut you, did it?" Dean grabbed the hand towel, running it under cold water. Cas just stared at his empty hand, still vibrating. "Don't move, I'm going to go get a broom and clean this up."

Cas was not sure how long Dean was gone, but before he knew it, he was being pulled into a hug, and he gasped, because it threw him off guard.

"Cas, you're fine...I'm right here, yeah? He can't hurt you..." Dean comforted.

Cas took in a hesitant breath. "It's not him..." He confessed.

Dean pulled out of the hug, not sure what to make of that. "What do you mean?"

"You're right...Lucifer can't get in here..." Cas' hand was going faster than he thought was possible.

"Hey, hey, easy...let's relax for a minute..." Dean made him sit on the couch, and he slowly joined him. Cas was fighting his hand with his other, stronger one, trying but failing to hide the anxiety attack he was having. "Talk to me..." Dean pleaded.

"Dean..." His voice choked. "Something is wrong...with me." He turned away from Dean's hurt eyes.

"What? Cas, look at me...look at me." Dean turned his crying face back to himself. "Absolutely _nothing_ is wrong with you. _Nothing._ You are fighting every day to live, after your entire existence relied on you to fight for the cause. You are just exhausted and confused about your new...situation." He used his thumbs to wipe the tears slowly away. "I know it sucks to be a human, I told you emotions are a bitch to deal with, plus taking care of yourself, random bits of trivia even I forget about or struggle with at times. But you are doing amazing. I'm not just blowing smoke, I talk to Sam every day, and every day Sam is stunned you haven't rode off a cliff yet. You are so strong, and so caring...fucking Batman makes you cry...I knew I loved you for a reason." Dean and Cas both laughed at that.

"So, I'm not a lost cause?"

"What have you been trying to tell me, ever since the day we met?" Dean waited, then, "Good things do happen...and you deserve it, Cas. That's why I'm trying to give you as much fun and relaxation as I can. Life doesn't always have to be bad. I know, I'm preaching to the choir, I'm the world's worst at self-destruction. Hey..." Dean hugged Cas again. "I love you."

"I love you too..." Cas buried his nose into Dean's neck, feeling a little better, but still wondering _why me?_


	9. Chapter 9

Cas cried in the shower alone. The hot water beat down on his chest, his pour back shivering, begging for attention. But it still hurt. He turned the knob further, and the temperature rose, the steam becoming more present.

Cas sighed, it felt so good, even though it was a bit too uncomfortable, but he _felt_. How he had begged for this when he was an angel...when he thought he was doing the right thing. Or so he thought.

"Mmmm...no..." Cas' red skin was not enjoying the now boiling water anymore. It was not a relaxation technique...

He kept standing, fighting his human instincts and took the pain. 

_I have got to suck it up and get better at, well, all of this, because I don't want to lose Dean. He has done so much for me, and I need to try harder._

When it was more than he could stand, and the sobs were enough to control, Cas shut the water off and stood there for a second in the steam. He grabbed his towel and dried himself off, wanting to get into his [Dean's] robe as soon as possible so he could not get cold. He _hated_ being cold. It made him feel weaker than he already was. Cas stared at himself in the mirror, again, not liking what he was seeing. His hair was a disaster. It looked amazing whenever he was an angel. [Almost everything was better when he was an angel. He did not require showers, rest, or _food_.]

His stomach growled, telling his brain to stop mentioning that and just give in. _Tell Dean you're hungry. No. I don't want to bother him right now. He's always hungry. Well, Dean has a very high metabolism, and I'm a sloth who..._

Cas untied the robe and _hated_ his reflection. _Wow...you really let yourself go. Your muscles have softened. You really should take Dean up on that offer to go for a walk every. single. day._ Cas wrapped the robe back around him, cutting his eyes away from the judgmental mirror that never lied. He stepped outside into the bedroom to find Dean picking at a scab on his knuckle.

"Hey...feel better?" Dean asked hopefully. 

Cas pretended not to see the puffiness of Dean's eyes, not easily hidden like his own from the boiling shower. He had hurt Dean's feelings by wanting this one alone.

"It was stimulating." He said honestly. "I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it...I know I can be a little clingy and overbearing, and you need your space too." Dean grabbed a clean pair of clothes and made his way to the bathroom. "Hope you saved some hot water for me."

"I did, and I was hoping we could go for a walk today." Cas said.

"Tomorrow? Today's the last day for all of this rain for a while, and I'm feeling really lazy today...that good with you?"

Cas figured Dean deserved to take it easy whenever he wanted to as well. Cas' needs would just have to wait. After all, Dean has done so much. Cas did not need to be so selfish.

"Of course, Dean." The man smiled at Cas' signature answer, and went into the bathroom.

Cas tried to figure out what to do in the meantime. His arm itched, and he went to scratch it, but it was painful. Looking down, his skin had red welts, not too serious, but still hurting when being irritated.

"I am such a wimp." Cas sighed. He remembered Dean got vitamins from the store, and that they would help. Searching through the kitchen, he found them sitting next to some other bottle that he was not familiar with. "One A Day Men's...energy, metabolism, muscle..." He also remembered Dean kept saying his muscles needed to build, so, this was good. He took one, choking a little, and made a cup of water to help wash it down. "Ok...we're making progress...very, very slow..."

Cas thought it would be nice to fix breakfast, but did not know how to cook: he could only help clean up afterwards, which is of no help right now. But he wanted to do something nice for Dean. Cereal it was.

"Making breakfast?" Dean said, coming into the kitchen, sounding a lot more chipper.

"Yeah, I...well, we're doing cereal because...I'm not confident at all with cooking, but I wanted to apologize for kicking you out of the shower, and I, well, I just needed some time to think, and-"

"Hey, Cas..." Dean smiled. "We're ok. I get it. I got that way with Sammy all the time growing up...and we were married at the hip for years." Cas tilted his head, confused. "It's an expression..."

"Well, I wanted to do it anyway, because I let all of my emotions out this morning, and I'm pretty sure my tear ducts are gonna take a while to refuel, so Special K with yogurt it is." Cas held up the purple box with the big "K" on it, shaking the said product.

"I understand...as long as you're ok now. And I love cereal." Dean threw his arm around Cas, kissing him on the temple. "Thank-you for breakfast, Baby." He did not even mention that there was no coffee made. He did not need it anyway.

Cas felt amazing, like the rough morning and painful shower disappeared with a happiness high that made him eager to sit down and eat with Dean, even if it was just cereal and yogurt. But it was good. He liked that for breakfast, too [not just because it was the only thing he could figure out how to make].

"So..." Dean licked his lips, which drove Cas crazy. "Why don't we whip out that puzzle you picked out at the store? I've been dying to get my hands on it."

"Yes." Cas smiled. "I would love to."

"Awesome."

After breakfast, Dean got the puzzle out onto their table in front of the TV, but instead of turning the TV on, he turned his music on. It was very therapeutic for him, and he wondered [hoped] that since Cas was human now, he would find it soothing as well.

_I close my eyes, only for a moment, and the moment's gone_

_All my dreams pass before my eyes, a curiosity_

_Dust in the wind, all they are is dust in the wind_

Cas sat back and frowned. 

Dean went to pause the music, but Cas stopped him. He had tears in his eyes.

"No, don't stop it...it's sad, but...it's beautiful...the music just..." Cas looked at Dean. "I get it now...all this time, you listening to music, when you're happy or upset...I get it now..." Cas took Dean's hand, rubbing his thumb in circles. "I love it..."

"Yeah? Guess I'm not crazy, then..." Dean shook his head. "You are absolutely amazing...I love you."

Cas was about to protest, but the music went deeper somehow, and he was _feeling_ so many things, and Dean just said he loved him, which every time it does, it makes his heart soar, and: "I love you, too..."

_Dust in the wind...all we are is dust in the wind..._

_Dust in the wind...everything is dust in the wind..._

Cas wondered with his human heart how God created such beautiful creatures as Dean Winchester from the dust that flew in the wind. He was so thankful for Dean, and for music, and for humanity, and for love.


	10. Chapter 10

_Now, don't hang on..._

_Nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky_

_It slips away_

_And all your money won't another minute buy_

_Dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind_

_Dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind_

_Dust in the wind, everything is dust in the wind_

Cas had a dream of himself flying over the world. He was an angel again, but then he was falling, full of flames again, and it hurt. He could swear he was feeling it. When he crashed, ashes flew up all around him. A slash and he felt his back cry in pain. Lucifer, Metatron, Naomi...all of their faces were flashing in front of him.

Disappointment. Hatred. Revenge.

_I got what I wanted..._

_He's not safe either..._

Cas inhaled as his eyes widened. He was back in bed, Dean waking up right next to him, safe.

"Cas?" Dean reached over. "Cas?"

"I had another nightmare...falling again..." Silent tears rained down his cheeks. Cas knew he could feel Dean kiss his shoulder, his neck, his cheek...he felt every bit of it.

_Like I always wanted...what I practically begged for..._

But he was surprised the angels were done with them. Lucifer was right...this was a nasty thing they did, unspeakable...even Lucifer got to keep his wings, but...

"I'm...lost..." Cas moaned into his hands.

"What? No, Cas, I got you. You're safe with me...right here...you're home..."

_Home._

That was such a beautiful word.

Cas concentrated on that word and Dean's presence, and he was eventually able to fall back asleep.


	11. Chapter 11

Dean found out around noon that Cas was extremely clingy today...more than the good days. It probably had to do with that nightmare last night. But the morning walk was so nice. The weather was cool after the storms, and Cas pointed out every little insignificant thing Dean always took for granted, like how beautiful the birds sang, or hearing the different sounds their steps made on different surfaces. Cas even brought his little notebook, making observations, Dean guesses. He would never read his private thoughts, even if he knew for sure at least three notebooks were dedicated to Batman, and the other was off-the-wall questions about Disney movies even he had never thought of.

Back home, Cas just kept tailgating him. Dean did not mind, as he loved having Cas right by his side. But he almost bumped into the brunette every time he turned around.

"Whoa, watch out..." Dean leaned back.

"Sorry..." Cas kept apologizing. "I wasn't expecting you to change your mind so quickly."

"Well, Sam always swore I'm ADD...he may be right..." Dean frowned, thinking. "Wanna help me cook breakfast? I'm starved. All we had was coffee."

Cas smiled. "Ok, Dean." 

Cas helped Dean prepare the food, Dean finding any and every little way for Cas to help, explaining how to do things as he went himself. He could tell Cas wanted to learn how to cook, and with the perfectionist Cas was already, Dean figured he would become a chef within a month.

"How's the food?" Dean said, mouth full of eggs and sausage.

"It's delicious, Dean."

"It is! Thank-you for helping me."

"I'm, glad I could be of service." Cas held up his mug, and Dean clinked theirs together.

"I think we can knock the rest of that puzzle out today...cause, I wanted to show you something."

Cas perked up. "What is it?"

"It's a surprise." Dean smirked.

"Well, now I don't wanna do the puzzle..." A pause. "Actually, it would drive me crazy if we don't finish it today. Who knew having fun would be so stressful. There's so much to do!"

Dean beamed. The fact that Cas found so much joy in everything he did, how he will probably never be bored. It was funny now, how everyone else in the world with the 21st century always complaining about boredom...here was an angel that literally fell in love with the world.

"What?" Cas shyly laughed.

"You're so cute when you get all cliche...you're like a bunch of chic-flic moments thrown together..." Dean kissed his coffee-stained lips, enjoying the flavor.

"You just like making fun of me..." Cas pouted. He could not hold the facade for long, and laughed again. "At least I'm not completely hopeless."

"Far from it...Sammy, on the other hand..." Dean widened his eyes. "He's trying to convert his girlfriend to vegan."

Cas' eyes widened. "Oh no..."

"Yeah, I'm getting a lawyer. I want a new brother." Dean got up to do the dishes.

"I got it!" Cas jumped up, carefully taking the plates out of Dean's arms.

"You sure?"

"Yes! Go ahead and call Sam."

"He's _working_." Dean rolled his eyes. "The nerd. Goes to school, goes _back_ to school, and now has a stuck-up job that-" Cas raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, I'm proud of him, but I'm his older brother, so it's my job to talk crap at him. Otherwise, what's the point?"

Cas shook his head, getting a start on the dishes. Dean found some music to get them pumped up.

"It's just cleaning, Dean."

"You know me, always finding any excuse for music...oh, here we go..." Dean grinned.

_I've gotta take a little time_

_A little time to think things over_

_I better read between the lines_

_In case I need it when I'm older_

Dean watched Cas' reaction, as he did with every song he introduced him to. There was always a confused frown, then a furrow of the brow, before the beat really set in with him.

_Now this mountain, I must climb_

_Feels like the world upon my shoulders_

_But through the clouds I see love shine_

_It keeps me warm as life grows colder_

"This is kinda sad, too." Cas pointed out.

Dean let him have that moment, letting the chorus take over.

_In my life, there's been heartache and pain_

_I don't know if I can face it again_

_Can't stop now, I've traveled so far_

_To change this lonely life_

Tears formed in Cas' big eyes. He was feeling all sorts of regret and sorrow. His mind replayed all that had happened just within the past year or so. It was horrible and wonderful and...he would not trade it for the world because of the man standing right next to him. Said man came up and took the sponge from him and put it down, turning him around. Dean smiled a little. "I love you." He kissed his angel, making the ultimate chic-flic moment when the chorus belted:

_I wanna know what love is_

_I want you to show me_

_I wanna feel what love is_

_I know you can show me_

"Dean?" Cas whispered in between kisses, begging for more.

"Yeah, baby?" Dean opened his eyes, not stopping though, as his hands ran all over Cas' head, messing up his hair.

Cas did not care, because it felt _so good_.

_I don't deserve this...he's so good to me..._

_You're right...you don't..._

Cas shoved those negative thoughts away, because he would be damned if he let himself ruin this moment. He wish he could stay like this forever.

"I love you, Dean..." Cas kissed Dean's neck, inhaling his scent he could pick up under the cologne.

"I love you, Cas." Dean breathed as rolled his head over, giving Cas more freedom to do whatever he wanted.

A crack of thunder interrupted them, and the power went out. Luckily, emergency power turned the bunker blood red. Cas jumped out of his skin, clutching Dean.

"It's ok..." Dean placed a hand on Cas' chest, feeling that poor little heart beat wildly. "Probably a fuse just broke. I'll be right back...just going downstairs. Is your phone with you?" Cas nodded. "Good, cause mine's dead, and we might have to call someone to fix us up. Bobby knows a mechanic or two."

Cas held Dean's hand tight as they went down to the fuse box. He gave Dean his phone for a flashlight. "Yeah...ok...let's tryyyyy this. Nope? Ok. Uuuhhhh...dammit, I left my tool box in Baby. Can you do me a favor?"

"I don't know if I can-" Cas was so nervous.

"Hey, it's ok...it's ok. I just need you to call Bobby. I know there's a guy around here he knows that can help, but I forgot the man's name. Can you just asked him who we need to help? I'll be back in a sec, just going to grab the tools, and I don't want you out in that storm. Besides...you're too sweet, you would melt."

"I would _what_?" Cas started breathing heavy. 

"Nonononono...Dean laughed. "It's a joke...from a movie...damn, we're watching that after we fix this, it's ok." Dean kissed him. "I'll be right back. Call Bobby!"

"I can do that..." Cas nodded his head. He looked down at his phone, and searched up Bobby's number.

" _...hello?_ " Bobby's gruff voice answered.

"Bobby? It's me, Cas, uh..."

" _Hey there, is everything ok?_ " Bobby could just tell. Bobby was good like that.

"No." Cas heard the door to the Bunker close, figuring Dean was just now getting to the car, and he would be back in a second. "The...the power went out here, and Dean checked this box, and the lights are red, and-" His phone beeped in his ear, and he looked to see Dean's name and number pop up. "Hang on, it's Dean-"

" _Wait, Cas!-_ "

"Hello? Dean, are you ok?"

" _No! Cas, I need your help! It's Megatron! Son of a-_ " The phone went dead on the other end.

"Dean?!" Cas bolted to the stairs, taking them two at a time. He flung the door open, and found Dean laying on the ground, trying to get up.

"Cas?" He groaned. "Please...get me inside."

"Dean...are you hurt? What happened? I need to get you inside so I can look at that-"

"Are you saying you _want me_ come inside?" He asked.

"Yes, I want you to come in-" Cas took one step inside with who he thought a moment ago was Dean, and his stomach dropped. He looked down to see Lucifer smiling up at him.

"Thanks, little bro..." Lucifer threw Cas over the railing. The former angel fell again, but this time, his head hit the edge of the table hard, sending his world into total darkness.


	12. Chapter 12

_Heaven didn't want you...but who were you trying to fool?_

_No one understands you...but it's all right, because you had Dean..._

_Well,_

_"Not anymore..."_

Cas woke up with his head splitting. There was a ringing in his ears, and his back was killing him, throbbing in that pain.

"What?" Rubbing his eyes, the spots clogging his vision intensified before dying down. He sat up, pressing down onto a soft surface. He was on the couch. "Where am I?"

"The Bunker...your 'home', as you keep telling yourself." 

Cas turned his attention to the voice in the room. He jumped back, seeing the Devil inches away from his face.

"You ok? You bumped your head pretty hard there..."

"No... _no...where's Dean?_ " Cas shook.

"That's a little rude, don't ya think? Not even a why am I here? How did I get in? But then, why would you ask that when it was _you_ who let me in." Lucifer pointed a hard finger into Cas' sternum.

Cas winced. "You tricked me...and I want you to bring back Dean now."

"Yeah, no can do, bro..." Lucifer stood up, and walked around, taking keen interest in one of Cas' journals. "If I leave, then, well, I can't really use that same trick to let you in, soooo...I'm your new roommate!"

"Dean...what did you do to him???" Cas tried to stand up, but he was too weak.

"Dean's gone...he left...he got tired of taking care of you. I mean, humanity does not suit you at all. Look at you, you're a mess." Lucifer looked mildly disgusted. "Course, it's not all your fault...Metatron and Naomi, now those are some bastards. I tried to warn you. But don't worry, I'm not staying for long. I just came to check up on you."

"Why have you been inside my head?"

"What do you mean? Oh, that self-pity bullshit...nah. That wasn't me. I was warded out. That was all _you._ You tried to lie to Dean twice about that, but we both know you got a lot of issues that have nothing to do with me. I don't blame Dean for not being here, I mean, look at you..."


	13. Chapter 13

"So!" Lucifer clapped his hands together, Cas momentarily forgetting he was in the room. He had disappeared into his head again. "What's _really_ going on here, Castiel? Hm? Why do you take everything so personally? Humans, man...they're so emotional and manipulative. Hell, you were like before, but _now_...I guess I'll just leave you to it. The damage is done. I can't do anymore to torture you. You're doing enough of that to yourself."

"No...wait, _please_ , where's Dean?" Cas asked empty space desperately. Lucifer slipped through the tiniest crack in the warding he made as soon as he entered the Bunker.

Cas picked up his phone and called Dean again.

" _Hey, this is Dean's other, other, other, other, other phone. Man, you must really be in some shit if you have this number. I'll get back with you as soon as I can. Hang in there."_

Cas' eyes shut as he tossed the phone onto the table. The loud noise gave him a mini heart attack, for fear that he had broken his only line of communication.

"Dean...where are you?" Cas thought about just running out and looking for him. He had no idea how to drive though, and he never bothered asking because Dean and Baby were inseparable. He liked just riding and looking at the world. He remembered that sunset where they confessed their love for each other...their first kiss...

Cas got up and went door to door, tearing the rooms apart. Maybe there was a secret dungeon of sorts that Lucifer locked Dean up in, just to mess with him? He knew he was not dead, because there would have been proof...for torment, revenge.

"Dean?!" Cas kept hollering till his voice was raw. "Bobby..." He ran back to his phone and dialed, but the line went dead. His phone shut off. "Nonononono...dammit!" Cas threw the phone harder this time, anger boiling inside him. He sunk to his knees, pulling his hair.

"What do I do?" He asked nobody, because nobody was there to answer him. "What do I do?"

After running around in the dark and laying on the floor for six hours, Cas woke up in pain again. Only, no one was there to comfort him from this living nightmare. Dean was gone...Lucifer left him to rot...his back was hurting...and he was so hungry...

Grunting and wincing, he made it to the kitchen, pulling out a bag of chips. It was the salty kind he had tried the first time he woke up human, so he knew he liked them. As soon as he took a bite, the power magically rebooted itself, the threatening red glow disappearing. That made him feel slightly better.

"Ok...you're ok...you've eaten, you can see better now...ugh...my back..." Cas went to find his medicine and made himself a cup of water. He knew it would not be immediate relief, but something that would help would be a hot shower. _A hot shower can cure almost anything..._ Dean would say. When the water was just the right temperature of warm lukewarm for him, Cas stepped in and reveled in it, careful not to let it touch his back. At least the water droplets did not hurt like his first time.

Stepping out of the shower, he did feel better, a little less strenuous. After drying himself off, Cas dressed back into his clothes, kicking himself for forgetting to grab clean clothes. Wiping the condensation off of the mirror with a hand towel, Cas combed his hair then towel dried it. He looked like he needed a hair cut...and a shave would not hurt either. Scratching his scruff, he noticed his hands and cheeks were a little puffy. 

_Smooth skin. No bone. What happened?_

His forearms were soft, biceps a lot smaller. Every day, he does this to himself without Dean noticing. But now that he knew he would not be interrupted, his mind went wild.

Cas pulled his shirt back off. Running his hand over his skin, he shivered in disgust. _This_ was the body he chose to fight for Heaven's army? _This_ was the body that Dean fell in love with?

_There are some dumbbells in a closet somewhere. It wouldn't hurt to try. I mean, you're still weak, couldn't even defend yourself against Lucifer. Angel or not, that's just sad. How are you going to save Dean if you can't even save yourself?_

Cas spent the rest of the evening looking for the weights. What seemed like an eternity passed before he found them. Setting them down on the floor, he found the laptop and searched up how to lose weight.


	14. Chapter 14

Cas crawled up onto the couch as the sun rose. He was exhausted, past the point. All of that research on weight loss was so confusing...so many contradictions. He stopped caring, however, because all he wanted was sleep, the first [and only thing] he was confident enough in doing right.

Somebody help me!

Sammy?

Sam!

Do not be afraid.

Dean Winchester is saved.

I'm an angel of the Lord.

Castiel.

Mind if I call you Cas?

Cas woke up crying. Seeing Dean in Hell was something he never could forget, but as an angel, he could always push it away. Now, with Dean having vanished, with no way of knowing how he is, the anxiety of the new human was tearing his heart. Curling in on himself, Cas shivered and grabbed a pillow for comfort.

"Dean, where are you?"

Cas' stomach growled. I literally just ate! He ignored it, and thought about what to do when-

Hey Jude, don't make it bad  
Take a sad song and make it better  
Remember to let her into your heart  
Then you can start to make it better

He threw his hands over his ears, looking around to find the source of the music. It was coming from the ceiling, and he just knew...

"Stop, please..."

Hey Jude, don't be afraid  
You were made to go out and get her  
The minute you let her under your skin  
Then you begin to make it better

"Come on, I'm doing something nice for you. This was Dean's first song he shared with you, right? Did you know his mother used to sing this to him every night when he was a little boy? Before all Hell broke loose, and Azazel killed her and poured his own blood onto baby Sammy...."

"Stop!" Cas stomped around, trying to ignore Lucifer.

"Of course, that led to a hard life for those boys, especially Dean. For some reason, John hated him the most. That's why he always got the beatings, the shame, never feeling like he will ever be good enough. He was already miserable before you stole him from Hell!"

Between "Hey Jude" and Lucifer, Cas felt like he was losing his mind. All he could think about was how much he wanted Dean here, so he could tell him it was going to be ok.

"Where is he?!" Cas screamed over the music when it quieted down.

"Hang on, my favorite part is coming up...the nanaas...doesn't it just make you crazy how many there are? Over and over, repeating again and again, 19 times for that chorus. That's like, 214 of those bad boys! I must say, that's impressive. No wonder it's so iconic. Dean really did have great music taste..."

Did?

That was in past tense, and that made Cas' stomach churn. He ran to the bathroom, feeling nauseous. Dropping to his knees, he threw up bile and chip into the toilet, moaning in self-pity. Wiping the snot and tears with his sleeve, Cas felt miserable. His back ached against the wall, but at least the tiled floor was cool. Slowly, he laid down in the fetal position, his head pressed into the cold presence that made it a little better.

"Hey Jude" repeated from the beginning, as if it was on speaker in the bathroom. Cas tried to ignore it, but could not. All he could see was Dean, and he kept making silent promises to him that he was going to find him and make it better.

"Wow...guess you're not a Beatles fan, huh? At least that made you feel nostalgic for your boyfriend, right?"

Cas made no motion as a response to Lucifer just going on and on about Dean. Tears puddled at his cheekbone.

Cheekbone?

Cas lifted his head to touch his face. It was already less smooth. He sighed.

Ok...I'm ok...

"Would a kiss make it better?" Lucifer teased.

Cas did not care anymore, and did not try to hide the fact that he burst into tears like a child, he was so sad. Hugging his knees, he rested his spinning head on top of them, wishing he could disappear to wherever Dean was.


	15. Chapter 15

Cas refocused back to the present. He was still in the bathroom, and he was in so much pain. His back, his tailbone, his stomach...he tasted bile, feeling like he might throw up again.

But there was literally nothing left.

Wanting to get rid of that nasty taste, he walked on his knees to the sink and reached for the toothbrush.

 _"This is low, even for you, Castiel..."_ Lucifer said nonchalantly. 

Cas paid no mind to him, already feeling less disgusting. Using the counter as support, he stood up on wobbly legs, waiting on his vision to come back. How long has he been in here? Time was irrelevant now.

His face was thinner now, as his suspicions were correct from earlier. His hands and legs were swollen, though.

_Puffy._

_Disgusting._

_Hot shower cures everything._

Cas got into the shower, knowing exactly what temperature he wanted. Looking in the mirror, he was already smaller. Not much, but the water will help. Time heals all wounds, they say, and his body was covered in them.

 _"Man, you're a sad puppy...here, this is another one of Dean's favorites, yeah?"_ Lucifer genuinely sounded sincere, like he wanted to help. But when the music came on, Cas' whole body seized up, and he started crying, burying his face in the running water to try to hide it from himself.

_Winter is here again, oh Lord_

_Haven't been home in a year or more_

_I hope she holds on a little longer_

_"Hey, Castiel, you know how long it's been? Two days...think it's time to report Dean missing?"_

_Sent a letter on a long summer day_

_Made of silver, not of clay_

_Oh, I've been running down this dusty road_

_"I could do it for you, if you want-"_

**_STOP IT! JUST STOP IT!_ **

Cas screamed. As if it was not painful enough, the Devil had to keep torturing him. Stepping out of the shower, he wrapped himself in his towel and stared at the ceiling.

"What is it going to take to get you to leave me alone??? I'm done!"

_"Ouch, geez, ok, I get the message. Just thought you wanted some company. If you want to be alone, fine."_

Cas huffed, then looked at himself in the mirror.

_"One last thing before I go: you might wanna get comfy, cause no one's coming for ya..."_

"What do you mean? Did you mess up my phone?"

_"No one knows where you are..."_

"Sam and Bobby know I'm here in the Bunker..." Cas stammered. "R-right?"

 _"Well, yes, but where's the Bunker is the better question..."_ Lucifer giggled.

"What did you do to me?"

 _"Nothing to you. Like I said, you did all of this yourself, and I've just been trying to cheer you up. The Bunker however...well, let's just say you're collateral damage. Enjoy your_ home. _"_

Cas was left in silence, the riff of Journey's guitar cut short. He could not even feel relief because now he was trying to wrap his brain around what he meant by collateral damage and the Bunker. Did he get transported to another dimension or something? Before he could panic too much about that, Cas dried himself off and looked in the mirror.

_You've already wasted two days, and this is what you have to show for it?_

_Dean is out there_ _somewhere, and all you are doing is disappointing him._

_Clear your mind and get some shit done!_

Cas ran a shaking finger along his collar bone, begging for it to give him an answer. Not being able to stand another minute, he got dressed and retreated to the living room. The shower and the music and Lucifer made him tired again. He played back down to try to calm down, but all he did was scream and cry into a pillow, thinking about all of the ways he was a burden to Dean. Now he cannot even save him because he pissed off his family. He was useless and helpless, just as much of a victim as Dean was.

But a ray of hope seeped in. Of course, Dean was fine. He was strong and too stubborn to let death be the end of him. He was a fighter, as he saw when he saved him from Hell. Never backed down. If Dean could do it, so could he.

He had to keep fighting.

But...

_I can't do anything right...not as an angel, and certainly not as a human._

_What is wrong with me?_

He kept asking himself this question, till he could not stand it anymore and went to the library to try to distract himself from the gnawing hunger and broken heart. He had to find a way to find Dean.


	16. Chapter 16

Halfway through the day, Cas had to stop because he was seeing double. His head was killing him, but he knew it was more than just the lack of nutrients. Checking his notes one last time before he would decide to get up, Cas found something that confused him.

_CasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCas_

He must really be out of it to just be writing his name over and over again, wasting ink and paper on something this silly. Crumpling the paper up, he tossed it away, not even caring about the mess he left everywhere he went. The living room looked like a tornado went through, blankets, pillows, and books strewn everywhere. The bathroom had standing water everywhere, and the kitchen had precisely two cabinets open: one that contained the vitamins and pain meds, and the other that held the chips Cas ate yesterday...

Or was it the other day?

Cas' stomach yelled at him nonetheless, but he paid it no mind. He had get his head straight if he wanted to concentrate enough to find Dean.

* * *

Gabriel downed his thousandth shot of tequila [It really was, he counted...] and tore his gaze from the stained wall where he had thrown empty bottles at. The wall did nothing wrong, it was just annoying him at the moment. Being in solitude was fun and all, but now that all of Heaven knew he was alive and well was _not well at all_ , because that dumbass Metatron and bitch Naomi were relentless in tying up loose ends.

Meaning him. They were always chasing him.

And all he wanted was some peace and quiet.

_Perfect excuse to visit his two current favorite boys._

Gabriel thought it would be rude to show up uninvited [and the fact that he cannot even come in without their permission], so he dialed Cas' number.

_We're sorry, the number you reached has been disconnected._

"Hm..." He tried Dean's number.

_We're sorry, the number you have dialed is not in service._

"K..."

Gabriel took off to Lawrence, KS to find an empty hole, like, the Bunker should be here! He remembers every place he goes. He was always great with directions. And he was not a dumbass.

"Huh..." He looked around, trying to figure out what the hell was going on. There were markings on the ground where the foundation used to be. He recognized it immediately. "Son of a bitch." He ran his hand through his hair, trying to keep it together. "You bag of _dicks_..."

Gabriel went to confront his brother, not at all looking forward to the heartache it will surely bring up. Unfortunately, after what happened to Castiel, he was involved now fully. And woah be to the fools who would dare try to hurt any of his family...even if the one causing all of this was family.


	17. Chapter 17

Lucifer sat in the throne room pleased with himself. With Dean out of the way, Castiel was continuing to lose his mind. He had only been human for about a month. It was pitiful how easy it was. Revenge was sweet.

"Sir, there's been a break-in-" A demon ran to tell his master, but static shock stunned him as he fell to the ground dead.

Lucifer turned his attention to the new occupancy in the room who dared enter his gates uninvited...again.

"Gabriel?"

"Hey, Luci." Gabriel said sarcastically. He stepped over the body, and put his angel blade away. He did not need it.

Lucifer waited for more, and held his palms up. "Can I help you?"

"You just can't let it be, can you? I'm only going to ask this once, and then I'm going to tell you what you're going to do regardless of the answer: where are they, cause you better bring them back right the now and leave them the _fuck_ alone, if you know what's good for you. Because, now you got _me_ involved, which was a _big_ mistake. So...we clear?"

The way he stood there so calmly, his voice did not even shake with fury or any other emotion. That made Lucifer terrified. He tapped the arm of his chair, letting out his nerves, so he could carefully plot out what to do next. He knew Gabriel was a family man, but he also thought Heaven would have killed him by now since he revealed himself. It was odd that he chose the rebellious side of the spectrum, somewhere that was not on Heaven's side and definitely not on his own. Any time Gabriel got in the middle of things, things got worse.

"I thought the little family feud over Cas' new boyfriend was over? Remember? When they cut his wings off, his grace burning out-"

"I'm going to stop you right there. We don't need to rehash that." Gabriel's heart was breaking. He did not need to be thinking about that right now. 

"Ok, yeah, touchy subject. There's so many of those nowadays. Look, you know I'm very...possessive." Lucifer smirked. Gabriel did not appreciate the pun. "And souls are very valuable. I get mine. Heaven gets theirs. Ok. Now, when one comes down here and steals from me, leaving a huge mess in the process, I don't really appreciate that."

"From what I heard, it was not his time."

"Well, he made a _deal_. And what did Castiel do? Rip it up in my face. Why? Because ' _God commanded it_ '? I'm going to throw up. No, no, _no._ Lucifer got up and stepped down to Gabriel's level. "That little brat _fancied_ that boy. As soon as he laid eyes on him. He did it for love."

"The greatest love story of all time...I'd watch that on the big screen. Private viewing, champagne." Gabriel said half-serious.

"Well, once again, love backfired, and look where that got them: Castiel is now a pitiful human that I can't even torture properly because he's been doing that to himself since day one."

"So, you can cut the dramatics, and bring them back." Gabriel added.

"I don't really want to, though." Lucifer shrugged.

"I wasn't asking." Gabriel's eyes flashed.

"You don't get to push me around...not here..." Lucifer's eyes beat red back at him. "Not in _my_ domain."

"Seems to me that you should be thanking them, getting you out of the Cage and all. What if Dad comes back and finds out? Do you think He will throw you back in?"

"You can't scare me."

"Not anymore...cause I already did." Gabriel crossed his arms. "Undo the spell on Cas and bring Dean back. Final warning."

"Yeah, that's...complicated. I mean, you're more than welcome to go after them, finish your movie or whatever. But I can't do anything..." Lucifer was not lying.

"What do you mean?" Gabriel frowned.

"Here." Lucifer tossed a scroll. "If you want my broken toys back, you can have them. I'm done playing. They've gotten boring."

Gabriel took the scroll and left without a word, killing a line of demons on his way out of spite.

Lucifer let out a breath he felt like he had been holding for a long time.

"Can't I ever get some peace and quiet around here?"


	18. Chapter 18

Dean Winchester knew better. How could he have been so stupid? Risking it all for a little power outage? He and Sammy had spent many a night in the dark because the place was so crappy that they were lucky the door had a lock on it.

But Cas was scared, and if God loved him, the poor thing had been through enough. Dean could not stand it, finally becoming human, free from indentured servitude, [free to be with him] and for what? A life full of nothing but pain and regret? Dean knew how to handle all of that, but he had been doing it for almost thirty years. Cas was so young and naïve.

What else could he do to help the broken angel?

Nothing.

Not until he can get out of this…predicament.

See, when Lucifer jumped him, Dean could hardly react in time before a spell he could not make out was cast. He felt like he was thrown back in time, but not really. No, the Bunker was right there. He could go inside, no problem. Cas was still there.

It was much worse than that.

He was invisible.

Cas did not know he had been there the whole time. He never left. Dean did not think he was dead, since not a reaper one came to snatch the Winchester away.

“You son of a bitch. I’ll make you wish you were dead.” Dean growled as he watched Lucifer tell Cas that he was probably not dead, but just left him because he was tired of taking care of him.

Lucifer gave him a wink, Cas unaware of the interaction. “I don’t blame Dean for leaving you. I mean, look at you.”

“Cas! Don’t listen to him!” Dean shouted. Lucifer’s smile widened, then after he vanished, Dean threw himself to the ground in front of Cas. He could touch his knee, that was good. But Cas never reacted. “Cas, baby, listen to me. I would _never_ leave you. I’m right here. Please.” Dean started to cry, seeing Cas in such a fuss. “I’m going to find a way out of this, ok? But I’m going to need you to be strong. Just hold on, ok?”

Cas got up and frantically ran around the Bunker, screaming and making a mess looking for Dean. Dean followed him every step of the way.

“It’s ok, baby. I’m ok…” Dean kept repeating, trying everything in his power to stop Cas.

He went with Cas into the kitchen, seeing he grabbed the bag of chips and went for medicine for his back.

“Good job, yes. Ok. You’re ok. It’ll pass.” Dean encouraged, praying the medicine would kick in faster. Cas’ poor back was hurting Dean just as much emotionally as it hurt Cas physically.

“Shower…” Cas mumbled to himself after a while.

“It is a cure all…” Dean smiled sadly. He watched Cas undress and put the water to warm lukewarm. “Feel better?” Dean perked up when Cas stepped out. He knew he would not get a response, but it made things feel a little more normal. He smirked when Cas pulled at his hair after combing it. “First thing I’m going to do after icing Lucifer is giving you a haircut…and a shave.”

Dean frowned when Cas started scrutinizing every part of his body.

“Cas?” Dean watched as Cas ran his hand over his body, and when he shivered in disgust, Dean winced. “Baby, no…”

Dean knew food was hard for Cas because he was an angel for forever, and having to adjust to all of these human necessities was a challenge. But…

Wait, Cas was now looking up workouts? And, finding weights?

“Cas.” _Don’t go there. Do not go there._

Dean had his off days, like everyone else, and then, other times, food was a passion of his, in a weird way. He found joy in the flavors, the variety, the art of making it. One time, he thought it would be fun to drive a food truck. But then Baby would get no fun out of that, so, that dream went down the drain.

He unfortunately understood what might be going through Cas’ head. Self-esteem was not a Winchester trait.

“Cas. If you hear nothing else I say, I love you. I love you, and who you are. You don’t have to change a thing. You are--Cas, _wait!_ ”


	19. Chapter 19

Dean found himself with no need to eat or sleep, so he sat down watching over Cas after he crawled onto the couch, confused and exhausted.

"You can rest now. Don't you worry your little head about that crap...please..." Dean leaned over and kissed his head.

When Cas woke up crying for Dean, Dean could not help but cry with him.

"I'm here, Cas. I'm right here..."

Cas contracted in pain, his stomach was growling so loud, even Dean could hear it.

"Baby, please eat, please-"

_Hey Jude, don't make it bad_   
_Take a sad song and make it better_   
_Remember to let her into your heart_   
_Then you can start to make it better_

He threw his hands over his ears, looking around to find the source of the music. It was coming from the ceiling, and he just knew...

"Stop, please..." Cas quietly begged.

_Hey Jude, don't be afraid_   
_You were made to go out and get her_   
_The minute you let her under your skin_   
_Then you begin to make it better_

"What the hell?" Dean looked around, then when Lucifer went on, he fumed. "Turn it off, asshole!

_"Come on, I'm doing something nice for you. This was Dean's first song he shared with you, right? Did you know his mother used to sing this to him every night when he was a little boy?"_

Dean was about to claw at the walls, burn it to the ground, he was so mad. 

Cas was losing his mind right in front of him, screaming, crying, begging for it to stop. He ran off and Dean bolted after him. When Cas dropped to his knees and vomited into the toilet, Dean was soothing him, rubbing his back, telling him that it was going to be ok.

Because it was not.

It was the farthest thing from ok.

As Cas curled onto the floor, Dean tried to hold him as best he could, giving silent words of comfort.

"Dean?"

Dean shot up and looked at the door to see Lucifer himself leaning casually against the doorframe.

"You two are pitiful, you know that?"

"Stop it right now. Stop torturing him!" Dean charged him, but Lucifer vanished. As soon as Dean pushed himself back up, the door to the bathroom was closed, and he heard music come on again.

_Winter is here again, oh Lord_

_Haven't been home in a year or more_

_I hope she holds on a little longer_

_"Hey, Castiel, you know how long it's been? Two days...think it's time to report Dean missing?"_

_Sent a letter on a long summer day_

_Made of silver, not of clay_

_Oh, I've been running down this dusty road_

_"I could do it for you, if you want-"_

_**STOP IT! JUST STOP IT!** _

Dean banged on the door, trying to kick it in, clawing at it, ramming his shoulder till it was blue and purple. He froze when he heard Cas scream to stop. Sinking to his knees, Dean pressed his ear against the door, listening in. Cas was quiet, he could not hear anymore from Lucifer. The water shut off, and Cas was taking a long time to come out.

"Cas?"

The door opened, and Cas limped out, still in pain from huddling on the cold floor after the heat and the sickness and the madness. Dean pretended to help him to where Cas was heading.

"Cas, please, I am so sorry...I would have never-" 

"Dean, I'm going to find you, I promise...I'm going to-" Cas got busy on research, trying to figure out lore and spells, and Dean had no clue what was happening.

He grabbed a pen, thinking if he tried hard enough, he could write to him. His hand went right through.

"Son of a-" Dean slammed the utensil down, when he noticed Cas wince at the sudden sound. His eyes widening, Dean found he was able to do it, be it anger or willpower, or a bit of both, he managed to get across a message, just one, over and over and over and-

_CasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCasCas_

Cas found the message odd, thinking where it might have come from.

"Cas?" Dean pressed.

"Dean?" Cas touched the words on the page. "Are you here?"

"Yes, baby...I'm here..." Dean laid his hand over Cas', and Cas flinched. Dean's heart leaped. "Cas?"

Cas frowned, staring at his hand. He sat up a little straighter, clasping his hands together. "Gabriel? If you can hear me, I need you to find Dean. I-" His voice choked. "I don't know what's going on, and I need your help. Please, brother, help me...help us..." He cried softly, hoping his prayer was heard.

"I hope your asshole of a brother heard you too..." Dean kissed Cas' head, but there was no response. The 'rules' of his state of being was confusing and inconsistent. It was surely all Lucifer's doing, but...

He checked himself for his phone, and yep, it was there. He called Gabriel, who answered immediately.

" _Well, you're a hard one to find..._ " Gabriel answered. " _What the hell, Dean-o?"_

"I don't know, but you gotta throw me a bone here, get me-" The line went dead, and Dean heard a chuckle.

"Hey, Dean, like what I've done with the place?"


	20. Chapter 20

Dean pocketed his phone, and if looks could kill, the Devil would have bitten the dust right then and there.

"You better cut it out _now_. We're done playing games."

"I'll take that as a no..." Lucifer threw his arm over Dean's shoulder, and his other hand pinned Dean's bicep to his side. "Let's go for a walk, leave Castiel to his...important work."

Dean tried to fight him every step of the way, but it was useless against an archangel.

"So, turns out my little social experiment came up with the exact results I was wondering...Castiel needs someone to boss him around, otherwise he just slips through the cracks. I gotta say, I admire your patience, because what Metatron did was harsh, I mean, wow..."

"And what you've done is no better?" Dean jerked away successfully, only because Lucifer let him. "All because he plucked me out of Hell?"

"I think the technical phrase was ' _raise you from perdition_ '...you gotta admit that's sexier: ' _I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition'._ You can't make this crap up: the greatest love story of all time." Lucifer made a gagging noise. "I thought you _hated_ chick flic moments? All feelings and empty promises."

"I meant every word." Dean spat. "And what's it to you? From what I've heard, angels can be with whoever they want..."

"Yes, but..." Lucifer grabbed Dean's throat, choking him. "You made a deal with us, Dean Winchester. An eternity in Hell for your brother. Remember that? How could you, though? You've been doing nothing but joy-riding and binge-watching and crying..."

Dean fought with both hands, unable to reach for any assistance.

"I still don't know what Castiel sees in you...I mean, besides a pretty face." Dean shivered as Lucifer traces his jawline. 

"I've been told I can crack a good one every now and then..." He laughed.

"True..." Lucifer agreed. He let go of him. As Dean gasped for breath, Lucifer walked back towards the door. "Let's see how he's doing now."

In the blink of an eye, Dean was in the living room. Lord only knew how much time had passed, because Cas was passed out on the couch, his back pressed against the back cushions for protection. Shaky breaths and whimpers came with every other inhale and exhale. Suddenly, he shot up and hissed, twisting his back in an uncomfortable way. He tried to slowly lay down flat on his back, but he had no strength to do so, so he just dropped, letting out an exhausted breath. Cas wiped the sweat off his brow and picked his phone up. He searched for a few minutes, then a song started to play.

Dean's heart wrenched when the piano started going. There was a reason he never introduced this particular artist. He adored her, but knew it was too much for Cas and sometimes even him.

_There were nights when the wind was so cold_

_That my body froze in bed_

_If I just listened to it right outside the window_

_There were days when the sun was so cruel_

_That all the tears turned to dust_

_And I just knew my eyes were drying out forever_

Cas tensed up, once again taking the lyrics straight to heart, thinking music could make it better [Dean said that was another cure all], but apparently other types of music did not...like "Dust in the Wind", beautiful song, but so heartbreaking.

_I finished crying in the instant that you left_

_And I can't remember where or when or how_

_And I banished every memory you and I have ever made_

Cas gave up and turned it off, not able to stand it any more. "Dean...I'm sorry...I'm so sorry...." He reached over to the table and picked up a pocket knife. Dean had no idea where the hell that came from.

"Cas, no!" Dean made a run for it, but Lucifer held him back. "Get off of me! Cas!"

Cas' hand shook, but his eyes focused on the shiny blade, as if it had all of the answers to his suffering. Carefully, and so slowly, he traced the tip along his palm, following the lines naturally formed in his skin. Skimming over the veins that he could clearly see, he got scared and flung the knife away. Now, he never broke skin, but he had tried to imagine what it felt like. It had to have felt better than what he was feeling, or had been feeling.

"He can't even be sad right..." Lucifer said, clearly unphased by what was just about to happen. "Come on, we got better things to do."

"No, please, wait, Cas! Cas!" Dean shouted till his throat was raw as Lucifer drug him outside. Outside was different though. 

Outside was-


	21. Chapter 21

A doorway...to _Hell..._

Dean's nightmares were coming back. He could hear the screams and cries for help that would never come. The heat was already making him sweat. Or maybe that was just the pure terror...or it was the fact he felt like he was going to hurl.

" _No...no, wait!_ "

" _HEY DICKWAD!_ " Gabriel threw Lucifer crashing through the door and pulled Dean back.

Dean scrambled back towards the entrance to the Bunker. He watched Lucifer come storming back through the door.

But he stopped and looked down, then back up to his brother. "You wouldn't..."

"I already did." With a flick, Gabriel unleashed the spell to send Lucifer back to the Cage.

Lucifer's scream made Dean feel like his ears were bleeding. He crouched down and just waited.

"Dean?" Gabriel picked the man up and shook him a little. "Hey, look at me. You're back. We're back. Everything's right as rain."

Dean's eyes cut to each side, and sure enough, they were back in Kansas, Baby sitting right where Dean last saw her. He nodded. "Yeah...ok...what just happened?"

Gabriel grimaced. "I did what I had to..." He opened the door, motioning for Dean to go inside. "Now, come on..."

Dean's heart raced as he almost fell over the railing. "Cas?" A small bundle was breathing rapidly. He crept forward, hearing things he could not quite understand. "Cas?" He slowly placed a hand out, but when he barely touched it, the blankets flew off, and Dean found himself staring at someone who looked like Cas, but...

Dull, blue eyes stared back, hiding under a sea of confusion and loss. The bags under them, they were worse tenfold compared Dean's own after escaping Hell [the first time]. Cheekbones were so defined that they could slice one's hand, if not careful. Hair was wild, all over the place, and the bottom, cracked lip tremored, warning of a tidal wave that could attack any minute. Dean tried to reach out again, and a wince shifted the rest of the blankets off, and he almost broke down. Cas' collarbone was so obviously _there_ , and Dean swore he could actually see ribs...

"Baby?" Dean could not stop a tear from falling. "It's me...Dean...I'm here now..."

Cas' weak, bony hand cupped Dean's face. His thumb brushed that tear away. "You came back for me?"

"Of course I did...I'm so sorry...I..." _How long was I gone?_ He screamed inwardly at Gabriel without turning away.

_"It's been two and a half months, Dean...Lucifer messed with time, and-"_

Dean threw up his free hand to silence him, then smiled at Cas. "I'm just going to the kitchen to get some water, ok? Do you want some?" Cas shook his head. "Ok." He got up and dragged Gabriel with him.

"Dean, listen-"

Dean shoved Gabriel against the fridge, seeing nothing but red, he was so angry. "What the _fuck_?" He let go of the archangel, pulling at his hair and pacing. When he turned back around, his eyes were crying waterfalls. "What did he do to him?"

"I, don't know the specifics, but, he...Cas was stuck in here for a long time alone, I...can't really tell much, but-"

"Did you _see_ him? Cas is..." _No, he's not, cut that shit out right now._ Dean covered his mouth. "What, did he think it was funny to just make him sick for the the hell of it? What plague or disease-"

"The reason Cas is the way he is..." Gabriel bowed his head. "It wasn't Lucifer's doing...his vitals are not good, but there's no cure for..."

Dean finally broke, sobbing into his arm so Cas could not hear him. How could he let it get this bad? He suspected, finally figured it out when it was too late, but now they were fast-forwarding in time to find out...

"We have to help him!" He whispered angrily. "I'll do _anything_..."

"Dean, I can't..."

"You lot heal all the fucking time...Cas heals every paper cut I get. This shouldn't be any different!"

"Dean... _Dean..._ " Gabriel made him look up again, tears coming out of his own eyes. "Remember what I told you?"

_"But he's going to be ok?"_

_"That's up to him..."_

Dean replayed that moment in his head. He had tried so hard to help, but he let his guard down for one second, and now look at the mess they were in. He could take him, _no_ , he could not take him to a hospital because he did not have papers made up for Cas, and Jimmy Novak was probably a cold missing person's case.

He would have to do it.

He would have to heal Cas himself...piece by piece again.

Dean nodded, biting his lip. "I don't even know where to begin..." _You_ _dumbass piece of shit! It's your fault Cas is dying from an-NO! Don't say it...that makes it too real._

Gabriel placed an encouraging hand on Dean's shoulder. "You start...with showing him that he deserves to be loved..."


	22. Chapter 22

_Heaven don't want me_

_Heaven don't fool me_

Cas blinked, and Dean was back down in front of him. _Was he really here again? Twice in one day?_

"Hey, baby..." Dean squeezed himself onto the floor between the table and the couch. "I brought you some water, just in case you want it..." He showed Cas the extra glass before setting it down. "Have you taken any medicine for your back today?"

Cas tried to think of time, and how much of it was dedicated to "today", but he could not remember the last time he took medicine. They were all gone after that one day...

"Ok..." Dean acknowledged Cas' head shaking [more like vibrating] side to side. "Tell you what. How bout Gabriel goes and get us something to eat? Hm? Does chicken sound good?" Cas closed his eyes, water seeping down his sharp features. "No, ok, what are you hungry for?"

Hungry.

That was something Cas hated more since he was human than enjoyed. He liked the cleaning, making things look nice. And as an angel, he was fascinated by human cuisine, but...

Cas started crying.

"What is it, baby?" Dean moved his hand to Cas' knee and had to use every ounce of willpower not to show how hurt he was to feel that little knee cap fit into the palm of his hand with no other part of the knee touching him.

"I...Dean...I'm so sorry...I...I've been such a _slob_ , the place is a mess." Cas hated he had let the place turn into a disaster. He literally lost track of time, with all of the mind games, running around, and sleepless nights.

"Hey, what's a little cleaning party gonna hurt?" Dean smiled. "You've seen my room. Sammy would have a heart attack. We'll make a day out of it. I'll put on some music, and it'll be fun. You can help." Dean was _not_ ready to try to see Cas walk, much less, get up from his lounging position. Nope, with so much loss of muscle, it was going to be near impossible. 

"You're not mad?" Cas whispered. 

Dean almost could not hear it. "No! I'm thrilled! I'm back home with you...I missed you so much, baby. I'm here now, and we can go back to just you and me...no one else...well, Gabriel is in the kitchen probably looking for the vodka, but...Cas, I am not mad."

 _You've been mad at me before._ Cas gave him a look, but did not feel like arguing the point. "Ok..."

"Awesome. But first, I'm hungry, so we're going to eat if we're going to get this place party-ready!" At Cas' look, Dean faltered. "No, no, just another expression. I don't do parties, either. Too many people. Just Sammy and his girlfriend, and maybe even Bobby. Does that sound like fun? We can have whatever you want, watch TV, and hey! We haven't taught you how to play Monopoly yet."

"That does sound like fun..." Cas had to admit. He remembered back when he and Dean would snuggle down and binge through Batman, Planet of the Apes, all those movies and TV shows. That was only a couple months ago? "Dean..."

"Baby...shhhh...shhh...I know, I know..." Dean said to hell with caution, and got up onto his knees and pulled Cas into a hug. The feeling of Cas was so strange, but it was still Cas, still the man [angel] he had fallen in love with.

Cas shrunk into Dean's chest, forgetting how much he missed it.

"I'm going to take care of you, Cas..." Dean said, still holding him. "I promised you, and I will never break that promise." Then he pulled back, cupping Cas' broken face. "I love you."

Cas cried, his voice caught in his throat. "I love you too."

* * *

Dean snuck into the kitchen to find Gabriel drowning himself in whiskey.

"I take it you couldn't find the vodka." An empty bottle slammed onto the counter to correct him. "I'm sorry about that, I-"

"Don't." Gabriel sighed. "We're all a little on edge right now...I just can't understand one thing, though... _why?"_

Dean was wondering the same thing.

 _Why_ did Metatron hate Cas so much to threaten and torture him? 

_Why_ did Lucifer single Cas out just because he saved him from Hell?

 _Why_ was Cas struggling with his humanity?

 _Why_ was Cas hurting himself?


End file.
